Mahalalove.com

It was now October and three months had passed since my last visit to the doctor. I had all of the blood work done, x-rays, the MRI and the appointment with the Ophthalmologist. I had taken the medication as prescribed and I was starting to notice a change in the way I was feeling. Pretty good. But I was huge, well at least in my mind. A few short months ago I was 89 lbs. Gosh I had gotten big. The doctor was definitely right about my appetite picking up. I was a P.I.G…HOG as my mother would say. My clothes went from a size 0 to a 12. My bra size went from a 32A to a 38C in 3 months. Those suckers were big. I didn't complain about that. My husband and mother thought I was pregnant. My face got round and plump. My stomach looked as if I were 5 months pregnant. My hips spread, my legs were solid and my behind, Whoa, I actually had a behind for the first time in my life. I was big. Too big if you ask me. Oh boy did my husband like that and all the men on the streets. I got so many compliments on how good I was looking. People told me I looked healthy. "Well darn, what did I use to look like?" I thought. A mess? I guess so. I remember looking at old pictures of me before the weight picked up and I was totally amazed at how much my body had changed so drastically. I was amazed. "Why didn't you all tell me I was so skinny?" I said, like I didn't know. "We tried to mommy", my 5 year old (at that time) said and very sincere too. He had some nerve. That little boy is just too wise beyond his years for me. Things were going great so I thought.

After a 6 month hiatus I'd been able to go back to work. But I had changed. Who was this person? Where did I disappear to? I wasn't in as much pain anymore. I didn't sleep all day but I still was tired just not sleepy. My energy was a bit low. That was a big relief. There is nothing worse than living day to day in pain. All day pain, constant pain. I had great relief with the Vioxx. But what happened to that loving, nice, sweet, patient girl I once knew? Was she gone for good? How do I get her back? I was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in the flesh. I was evil or nicer words…bitch! I was like Ike Turner but without the hard narcotics to make me insane. But why? Had I gone mad? I need help I used to tell myself. My oldest son use to tell me I was crazy. Come on now, a 5 year old? What does he know? Boy he knew plenty and still does. They no longer gave me love. They didn't want me to watch cartoons with them anymore. They didn't ask me to do anything for them. The hugs and kisses stopped. I didn't even want them anymore. I didn't want anybody to touch me or even talk to me. I made my children cry, my husband never wanted to be around me. He told me I was crazy and that I needed professional help. He could go to hell for all I thought. But he was right. I had admitted it to myself but not to anyone else and not out loud. There would be times when I would be alone and I would start crying not knowing why. I acted like they were crazy for even suggesting that I had changed. My friends stopped calling. They no longer wanted to hang out with me. My body was feeling better but my attitude had changed it "stank" and my mind was gone. I was loony. A fruit loop. I snapped at everything and everyone. I yelled at everyone including my children, my babies. The loves of my life. The people who loved me the most, the ones who would do anything to help me. I caused them pain. I made them mad at me. I turned them away from me.